My Pursuit of Happiness

                               Some might say I should not post about my mental illness on social media.  In fact, I have had people mention it.  The thing is I am not posting for attention or pity, or to reach out, but to educate and strike up a conversation.  I have a friend that planted a seed in my head about talking about my bipolar and depression and how I deal with it on a daily basis.  I just started posting Facebook Live videos on my personal page.  But, I might switch the security settings to public....I don't know....Please leave a comment on what you think.             Right now I am still in the midst of my depression and still undergoing treatment.  I have been dealing with Bipolar and Bipolar Depression for the last 9 years and have b...

   It has been a long while since I have posted anything on this blog.  The reason for this is I had begun to lose touch of who I really was for I was trying to please people and not myself.  In order to reconstruct the image I want for my eyes only (and eventually for others) I had to hit rock bottom (which I did).  I have a secret that I have been hiding from others my whole adult life.  I have Bipolar Type 1 Disorder.        Since the end of April I had been taking on a lot of projects at work, not only my own department but other departments.  When summer came, the pace of my work increased.  My co-workers noticed and decided to add more to my plate.  I did not stop them.  In fact, part of me craved that fast life.  On top of that I would be exercising by hiking/running 8 miles when ever I can without feeling tired.  After working a 9 hour day I would come home to talk i...

            Yesterday was the first time, in a long time, that I was able to take the moment and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.  It was the first time that I was able to isolate the sounds in my head and the cacophony that creates our world, that we find ourselves consumed in on a daily basis, and separate them from the sounds of silence.  I found myself in a bird sanctuary/wildlife refuge.  At that time of day I was the only person there.  I walked through the wooded secluded areas watching a couple of deer frolicking in the distance.  I had sojourned at a wooden foot bridge overlaying a frozen pond.  My eyes were closed due to the brightness of the sun hitting the white snow.  But I just wanted to feel the warmth of the sun against my back.  I focused my whole attention to that comforting sensation and feeling so elated that I had finally taken myself out of my head, away fr...

               Life is a hurricane where you have been yanked out to sea.  You no longer can feel the floor of the ocean and trying to keep afloat while these tumultuous waves keep on crashing into you and over you.  The feeling of being lost and scared in the middle of the ocean is so terrifying and not being able to find safety to cling onto can send anyone into battle with anxiety and panic.  All I can say is ride the waves.  This, too, shall pass.  It most likely will pass like kidney stone.          This past week I have been experiencing those waves of panic, or anticipation of panic, starting to well up inside of me.  Being at work, I tried so hard not to allow my attack to show.  That would be so embarrassing and the people....what would they think or say?  They'd probably say, "Pull yourself together", say nothing at all, or call t...

          A feeling of strong, unbreakable chains that seem impossible to break.  A heaviness on my shoulders that keep on weighing me down into this quick sand.  I'm stuck.  Oh, how difficult it is to pick up one leg and then the other.  I'm sinking further and further into the unknown....this black whole.  There is no light.....no illumination of hope.  Just darkness.       When I wake up it is still dark.  "Help!" I yell out.  "Is anyone here?"  But no response.  Not even one murmur.  As I stumble around to find my way through this blackness, I come across a wall and then another, and another.  The air here is so stagnant.  My chest is heavy and in pain from lack of breathing.  I am running, feeling my way around just to find each door blocked, unable to open it to the other side.  Each stair case never ends, but is spiraling and spira...

               This past week has been, let's just say, extremely intense.  The highest level of intense that would make anyone, especially a highly sensitive introvert, lose their mind in the height of a panic attack  and call her former boss to beg for her old job back.  This week was over flowing with crying, anger, lack of sleep, and very vivid nightmares.  The panic attacks were so paralyzing.  I couldn't breathe, everything was too close, I, mentally and physically, couldn't find an escape route out of this fearful place that I have found myself more times than I wanted.  The nightmares were basically the same thing, which was an abstract perception of feeling trapped.      As I had briefly mentioned in my 3rd post of the year, The Person The Left Behind , my mom bodily functions are progressively deteriorating due to her Multiple System Atrophy .  Along with my ...