My Pursuit of Happiness - Hitting Rock Bottom with Bipolar Disorder


   It has been a long while since I have posted anything on this blog.  The reason for this is I had begun to lose touch of who I really was for I was trying to please people and not myself.  In order to reconstruct the image I want for my eyes only (and eventually for others) I had to hit rock bottom (which I did).  I have a secret that I have been hiding from others my whole adult life.  I have Bipolar Type 1 Disorder.
       Since the end of April I had been taking on a lot of projects at work, not only my own department but other departments.  When summer came, the pace of my work increased.  My co-workers noticed and decided to add more to my plate.  I did not stop them.  In fact, part of me craved that fast life.  On top of that I would be exercising by hiking/running 8 miles when ever I can without feeling tired.  After working a 9 hour day I would come home to talk incessantly for 3 more hours on several different topics.  My risky behaviors didn't get out of control, such as shopping sprees like they have in the past, but my sleep did, meaning little to no sleep. 
    After going through relapses several times in the past, this time I never new I was relapsing.  I had lived the past two years with no symptoms.  But after developing really bad acid reflux and experiencing several panic attacks I decided to see my primary care physician.  When I did see her and I was telling her everything I was experiencing, she came out and said, "I see mania" (mania is the other side of Bipolar where there is extreme elevated moods.  The above paragraph explains what I experienced recently).  I told her that she was full of shit.  How come nobody noticed anything?  I had lived 2 years with nothing!  She came back and said, "You are a pro at masking your own symptoms". 
    After meeting with my PCP I noticed my moods escalate to a point where I could not control it any longer.  A couple days later I went to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.  But as soon as I entered a room I felt free to "release the beast".  I was admitted to he Behavioral Health ward and was soon put on high doses of  Depakote, Gabbapentin, and Seroquil.  I stayed there for 8 days.  After that stay I went to Partial Care until my moods decided to head south. 
    They became dark and I was obsessing about death more and more until they were quickly becoming a part of me.  I didn't want to be alive and suicide ideations were invading my mind.  I was writing poems that were so graphically dark.  Death was seducing me to a point that I was not afraid of it any longer.  Because of this I was admitted to inpatient for a second time in less than a month.  Medication was changed to a therapeutic level of Lithium, Gabbapentin, and Zyprexa. 
    This past Monday I finally was discharged from all hospital cares.  Upon discharge, I was given a provider, that I really like, to monitor my meds.  This Tuesday I am returning to work with modified hours and labor, which I asked for. 
     I need to be in control of what ever comes into my life.  But when it comes to my disorder, I can't any longer.  I am not a part of it.  It is a part of me.  So here I am open and alive. 

***LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER AND WHAT I DO FOR THERAPY***

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