Afraid of Life

     Agoraphobia is a clinical term which means extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one’s home, or being in places from which escape is difficult.  I was diagnosed this last year.  At times I am fine.  But then there would be days where I’d fear going to do simple errands or fear that the danger would enter “my safe space”.  I fear having to be exposed to the same fear that I once had such as in a grocery store or in a school.  I despise crowded spaces and this is where I have the panic attacks.  Going into big cities is another place where I panic.  

    I begin trembling and then hyperventilating.  And when I know I will constantly have to be exposed to the environment, I refuse to eat.  I might eat breakfast.  But no to lunch and dinner.  I would wake up with sweat rolling down my face shaking unable to differentiate what is real and what isn’t.  I will be wrapped up into the ultimate terror unable to live a normal life.  

    On the days when I stay home I fear that danger will sneak into my “safe space” my home where I am suppose to find comfort.  Yesterday I received a letter in the mail from as former friend.  I had a difficult time trying to read it because it was all scribbles.   But it basically says that she recognizes me blocking her from facebook.  She blames me for not communicating with her and she blames her sister and to not believe a word she says.  I don’t want to be involved in her family drama.  That’s why I blocked her family members as well.  I tried so hard to help her to give her ideas on where to get the help.  But she spits in my hand.  She is coming to my town of residency on my birthday.  

    I wanted my birthday to be drama-free,  a fresh start for a new decade.  But now I can’t even go outside with fear of her defacing my home, me running into her, her refusing to leave my property.  I am unable to sleep.  My stomach is constantly sick.  I would get sick getting up in front of class to do a presentation, but this is much worse.  

    So, how do I soothe the nerves we call agoraphobia?  Well, as simple as that.  I wish I knew.