Dear Diary: A Downward Spiral Into Depression.

Dear Diary,    

    After trying to figure out what to write for this week’s blogpost, I came up with an idea that I would start a “Dear Diary” series.  So, here I go…In the fall of 2008 I was admitted into the hospital for the first time with, what the doctors’ called Schizo Affective Disorder.  Now, before that I had I had had some episodes, such as being afraid of people of authority always running away from them, thinking that they’re coming after me.  After that admission I ended up in another  hospital and was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and was given Zoloft.  After taking it I became overly energetic, especially in the warmer weather.  I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit still.  The longest I went without sleep was four days.  I would go to my father complaining that I couldn’t sleep.  I don’t know what he would’ve done.  I guess I just wanted someone to sit with me until I did fall asleep.  The periods of not being able to sleep were the loneliest I’ve ever experienced.  But I got through it.  I created a “first aid kit” to help me get through the night.  Lavender scented lotion, chamomile tea, a boring book and knitting.  I have an exceptionally long scarf made with three skeins of yarn that I call my mania scarf.  I completed it during one of the times I was manic.  During this time I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2.  I developed the need to cut and I have two or three deep scars.  Also I developed the obsession of shopping and spending money.  I would get these rushes and guilt whenever I would shop.  The same feeling I would get whenever I would cut.  But I would constantly go to the hospital for depression, I think a total of 10 or 12 times since 2008.  In my early thirties I was then diagnosed with Bipolar type 1 which is why I experienced the fear of people of authority and them coming after me, the energy I had whenever I would never sleep, the extreme energy I would experience when I would go to school and then got kicked out, and the number of times I ended up in the hospital  with depression.

      Finding help was very difficult.  I would phone different psychiatrists around the state and they would decline me saying they didn’t have the help I need.  The last psychiatrist I had ended up “firing” me because I put myself back on a prescription because I made me feel better and I didn’t have the rare disorder he said I had.  This doctor kept on throwing stuff at me that I needed to put my ducks in a row in case I need major intervention,  He mentioned me having electroconvulsive therapy, ECT, but he would not listen to me when I mentioned to him that I can’t have ECT because I have Deep Brain Stimulation implants.  I had several people, doctors, say that I can’t have ECT.  But this doctor would say that one session wouldn’t hurt me.  Well, it would, I would be electrocuted.  Well, I started looking for another doctor, a doctor that would actually help me and respect my opinion.  So, this doctor fired me and nobody from his practice would help me and he fired me and accused me of “doctor shopping”.  

    I finally found a doctor that could help,  I have to travel a bit, but she’s there.  She tweaked some of my meds to help with my anxiety which does help.  But, like with my insomnia, I created a “first aid” kit for my anxiety which in time would help with my mania and depression.  It entails meditation, journalling, and lots of lavender to help me calm down.  

    In future blog posts I will go into detail on what I do to help my anxiety and how I track my mood.  And there will be plenty more “Dear Diary” posts.  Well, until next time, I bid you adieu.