My Pursuit of Happiness

            I have spent the last twenty plus years ill and grieving from the losses of my grandparents and my mother the losses being triggers of what has developed as Bipolar disorder.  In been rapped up in toxic relationships and painful friendships.  But it took several psychological melt downs for me to realize that I don’t need any of that.  Be selfish for a change.  Live for yourself.  And you will be eternally grateful for that decision.       I have lost several friends in the last fourteen years due to my illness.  And have been caught up in relationships where all I wanted was to be their friend.  They got mad and threw me out.  Did you know I am a rapist?  I did not know it either until a former friend brought it to my attention.  Her boyfriend, at the time, his stepfather, who has bipolar, raped the boyfriend’s sister.  So, as you can see, the stigma is still there. ...

 Dear Diary,      It’s that time of year where you look back and reflect on the year’s experiences, or in my case, a life time of experiences.  I ask myself, “What would be beneficial for me mentally, emotionally, to keep or to give up”.  So I sit and contemplate over the people I’ve met and the things I’ve done and I’ve made up my mind who or what to let go.  I don’t want to say ‘give up’ because I’m not necessarily giving up on anyone.  We just need time apart and if we end up back together then it’s met to be by God’s will.       I had a friend that I met almost nineteen years ago.  She was different, strong and weak at the same time.  She wasn’t afraid of anything.  But she acted unstable.  It was like she would go walking on the edge of a bridge not scared of falling.  I found this exciting.  We became instant friends.  But, I ended up being her only friend.  She would get into these deep...

      As sunlight vanished into darkness, as the noise turned quiet, I longed to move as the world moves.  I bounced through the floors and walls of snow that were once hard and sturdy wood.  I so easily moved through the wood as it turned to crystalline flakes that sprinkled the ground with such softness.       As I flew out of the window, I was unable to land with both feet on the ground.  I just kept on floating through the air softly and thoroughly taming the under gods trying to gain domination.  Here I am swimming with such pride, tempting pride, twirling through the air in and out of the forever-multiplying snow flakes.       Down on Earth, there is a store front that once seemed dark and dreary.  Bullets flew out of the glass window pane like pellets hitting you with every pinch of the nervous system.  With a glance at the obliterated window, the sight went up in flames as the cold and icy atmosphere woul...

      This weekend was kind of “off” not knowing how to feel and what to do.  I just feel awful not wanting to get out of  bed and letting my personal hygiene go.  I know what depression feels like.  It feels like being stuck in quick sand not knowing how to get out of it.  But somehow you can make it out one step at a time.   1.  Do a simple chore such as washing the dishes or vacuum the rugs.  Doing this  can make you feel like you’ve contributed something to society.   2.  Take a shower.  Now, doesn’t that feel better?   3.  Don’t forget to eat and drink.  Fix yourself a cup of tea and stay hydrated.   4.  Do a mindless activity such as knitting or coloring.  Put on some smooth music and get to coloring.  It’s a slow activity but after a while you can see the results and you will feel a whole lot better.   If you have any questions/or want to talk on what I do to “contro...