My Pursuit of Happiness: The Importance of Being Alone with Friends

     

    I have spent the last twenty plus years ill and grieving from the losses of my grandparents and my mother the losses being triggers of what has developed as Bipolar disorder.  In been rapped up in toxic relationships and painful friendships.  But it took several psychological melt downs for me to realize that I don’t need any of that.  Be selfish for a change.  Live for yourself.  And you will be eternally grateful for that decision.  

    I have lost several friends in the last fourteen years due to my illness.  And have been caught up in relationships where all I wanted was to be their friend.  They got mad and threw me out.  Did you know I am a rapist?  I did not know it either until a former friend brought it to my attention.  Her boyfriend, at the time, his stepfather, who has bipolar, raped the boyfriend’s sister.  So, as you can see, the stigma is still there.

    The most recent loss was earlier this week.  The last blog post I made was to a friend whom I was letting go even though she too was ill.  She constantly would ignore me trying to help her.  And now she is in another state alone and without medical care.  She elaborate and spread lies about me on her facebook page.  I was hurt because I didn’t know she was going to go this far.  But she did.  And so I blocked her for ever seeing posts about my life.  You see you can’t always depend on other people’s protection.  You need to develop a secure bond  surrounding you and other people.  You must be the person you need to depend on to get better before going to other people.

    I actually have four friends whom I have met up to nine to twenty years.  We send cards and text messages just to know that we are important to each other in our own lives.  That’s all I need to keep in contact.  To feel wanted.  For them to feel wanted.  

    It took me many years to realize that I only needed myself and anybody that decides to enter my life is a blessing.  I am an introvert and find pleasure in solitary solace.  I have my books to engage in, Ive started up with knitting.  I love baking, and I love buying and collecting books.  When I go out on shopping ventures, I love to greet the employees, even though I have social anxiety.  I just make an effort to greet them.  They aren’t strangers but friends that I want to feel like they have meant a lot to me and me to them.  You are the only person who knows you and what you need.  So, look in the mirror and say, “There you are!  Everything is going to be alright.  You are stronger than you know”.