My Pursuit of Happiness

      Here it is, the 25th of December, where the hustle and bustle of making it home to be with loved ones can be chaotic.  But there are those that are home with loved ones, or should I say, the spirit of loved ones.     That is me.  I have is my dad and my dog.  But we make sure to keep my mother and grandparents in our hearts.     Even though the holidays is meant for family and friends, there is no need to give up the traditions handed down to you by your parents and grandparents.  So, this is how I celebrated:     I got up fully rested and went straight to the presents just like a kid, well, like on Christmas morning.  I played Santa and handed my dad his presents and my dog his gifts.  We immediately ripped the wrapping paper off with eyes full of vigor followed by some ummm’s and ohhhh’s and some squeals thrown in between.  I was instantly drawn to my Barnes and Noble Nook e-reader devise and instantly downloaded E.M. Forester’s Maurice which I wanted to read for a while now.  

      Suicide is a quickly growing cancer that is spreading through out the younger generations and some middle aged people.  When these individuals experience some signs of suicide they don’t know what it is or how to address it.  Some of them might think of it as a punishment and don’t want to burden their family.  For those out there, you are not alone and you’re not a burden.  Your family loves you.       I have experienced suicidal ideations in the past because of my bipolar depression.  And each time have ended up in the hospital on suicide watch.  I’d be fine one moment and then the next would be fantasize killing myself.  I also would cut myself because I felt no pain.  I never really wanted to die but would dream about it.  I always felt that it was a thought that wasn’t mine.  I did feel guilty of bringing my family in on it.  I did feel like I was being punished for it…the way my family reacted.  They didn’t know how to deal.  I then learned how to talk myself into getting h

      As I wrote in my last post, agoraphobia is an extreme form of anxiety that keeps individual “locked up” in their homes making excuses not to join in on out door life, unable to go to the grocery store because of large crowds, the feeling of extreme nervousness like the feeling of having a heart attack and having an “asthma attack”.  That is what it feels like on an everyday basis.       I could give in and climb back into bed and wait for the phone to ring or the doorbell to ring.   1.  Or I can make a plan.  The Monday before Thanksgiving I got up early and went on a shopping excursion because I knew the day after Thanksgiving wasn’t the time.  I knew the early bird was on my side - A lot less people.  I made a map and what items to buy at what store.  I mean, this year I got Christmas done early.   2.  The next thing on my list was to choose what items to buy online.  You know that you definitely won’t see the other customers.   3.  Get someone else to do your grocery shopping

      Agoraphobia is a clinical term which means extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one’s home, or being in places from which escape is difficult.  I was diagnosed this last year.  At times I am fine.  But then there would be days where I’d fear going to do simple errands or fear that the danger would enter “my safe space”.  I fear having to be exposed to the same fear that I once had such as in a grocery store or in a school.  I despise crowded spaces and this is where I have the panic attacks.  Going into big cities is another place where I panic.       I begin trembling and then hyperventilating.  And when I know I will constantly have to be exposed to the environment, I refuse to eat.  I might eat breakfast.  But no to lunch and dinner.  I would wake up with sweat rolling down my face shaking unable to differentiate what is real and what isn’t.  I will be wrapped up into the ultimate terror unable to live a normal life.       On the days when