My Pursuit of Happiness

                               Some might say I should not post about my mental illness on social media.  In fact, I have had people mention it.  The thing is I am not posting for attention or pity, or to reach out, but to educate and strike up a conversation.  I have a friend that planted a seed in my head about talking about my bipolar and depression and how I deal with it on a daily basis.  I just started posting Facebook Live videos on my personal page.  But, I might switch the security settings to public....I don't know....Please leave a comment on what you think.             Right now I am still in the midst of my depression and still undergoing treatment.  I have been dealing with Bipolar and Bipolar Depression for the last 9 years and have been none compliant with medication NOT because I felt better BUT because the medication never worked and side effects were too unbearable.  There was a time two years ago that I ended up taking 15 pills a day and 6 different

   It has been a long while since I have posted anything on this blog.  The reason for this is I had begun to lose touch of who I really was for I was trying to please people and not myself.  In order to reconstruct the image I want for my eyes only (and eventually for others) I had to hit rock bottom (which I did).  I have a secret that I have been hiding from others my whole adult life.  I have Bipolar Type 1 Disorder.        Since the end of April I had been taking on a lot of projects at work, not only my own department but other departments.  When summer came, the pace of my work increased.  My co-workers noticed and decided to add more to my plate.  I did not stop them.  In fact, part of me craved that fast life.  On top of that I would be exercising by hiking/running 8 miles when ever I can without feeling tired.  After working a 9 hour day I would come home to talk incessantly for 3 more hours on several different topics.  My risky behaviors didn't get out of control, s

Dear Meat-Eaters,    The other day, as I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, I found these 3 following memes and two of them I was tagged in: These were sent to me by a supposed friend.  I know when he sees this post he's going to laugh, in a frustrated tone, and say, "Jeez! Can't you take a joke?!?".  Sorry, buddy.  When it comes to my welfare and the welfare of all sentient beings (that's including you) plus, the welfare of this planet I refuse to take this as a laughing matter.  You obviously don't care for you're still munching on that bloody, disgusting, rotting, dead piece of flesh you call a burger or steak.  You drink your dairy milk and eat your eggs not even conscious about how that "food" was even made possible for you to eat.  You eat your gummy bears and Jello and not once considered how the hell they were made.  (News flash!  It's not simply made from sugar!)  Believe it or not (whether you kill animals for fo

              All throughout time women have been known as the weaker sex, too emotional or unstable to do anything, the object of someone's lustful desires, a man's slave, property in the man's world, a voiceless creature.  Such female icons as Queen Elizabeth I, Queen Victoria, Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Quimby (1st American female pilot), Amelia Earhart, Gloria Steinem, and even Viola Davis (Tony/Emmy/Oscar Award Winning Actress from my own home state of Rhode Island and alma mater Rhode Island College) had to fight and claw their way through the misogynistical demands of the man's world just to make their mark.  For the longest time women's thoughts, ideas, and contributions did not matter because of their gender.  Did you know that the Catharine Littlefield Greene, wife of American Revolutionary Major General Nathanael Greene, was co-inventor of the cotton gin with Eli Whitney?  Probably not because at that time all credit went to the man.  Women were just left

          What if tomorrow never existed.  What if you are told that today is all the time you have left to live.  How would you live it?  Have you accomplished all that you would want to accomplish?  Have you seen what there is to see?  To experience all the new variations of food you want to try?  Read all the books you want to read?  Have you lived every moment to it's full potential?  Or have you just been biding time until there is no tomorrow left?  How would you live your last moments?      After stepping down from my previous job position, due to stress, I started pondering on what I have been doing with my life.  I have tried so hard to find contentment, happiness, fulfillment in what others wanted for me.  But, I couldn't find it in the ideas they wanted for me; being reasonable, stable, safe.  How can one grow from such limitations?  No, I won't be earning as much of an income as I would have if I had stayed a fulltime retailer.  But by taking a risk and pur

  For millions of years living sentient beings have roamed this world thriving off the land that was created by a higher being.  Oceans filled with fish and other sea creatures. Land covered with trees, and plants being fruitful for a purpose of survival.  Tribes of human beings used the fruit of the land for food, clothes, shelter, and weapons.  As the population grew oceans started to become dead, the nutrients in the soil became depleted.  Greed and power took over stealing the richness from the earth and the freedom from people.     One freedom that was taken away was land, a foundation birth right for all Native people in America.  Chief Joseph, who was a powerful Nez Perce leader advocating for people's rights to stay on their homeland, fought to return his people back to Oregon's Wallowa Valley.  He led a guerrilla campaign of 300 warriors and 500 women and children.   U.S. troops pursued him across over 1300 miles.  Almost 40 miles to freedom, the Nez Perce peopl

            Yesterday was the first time, in a long time, that I was able to take the moment and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.  It was the first time that I was able to isolate the sounds in my head and the cacophony that creates our world, that we find ourselves consumed in on a daily basis, and separate them from the sounds of silence.  I found myself in a bird sanctuary/wildlife refuge.  At that time of day I was the only person there.  I walked through the wooded secluded areas watching a couple of deer frolicking in the distance.  I had sojourned at a wooden foot bridge overlaying a frozen pond.  My eyes were closed due to the brightness of the sun hitting the white snow.  But I just wanted to feel the warmth of the sun against my back.  I focused my whole attention to that comforting sensation and feeling so elated that I had finally taken myself out of my head, away from that critical voice telling me what I should and should not do.  I continued to use my senses. 

               Life is a hurricane where you have been yanked out to sea.  You no longer can feel the floor of the ocean and trying to keep afloat while these tumultuous waves keep on crashing into you and over you.  The feeling of being lost and scared in the middle of the ocean is so terrifying and not being able to find safety to cling onto can send anyone into battle with anxiety and panic.  All I can say is ride the waves.  This, too, shall pass.  It most likely will pass like kidney stone.          This past week I have been experiencing those waves of panic, or anticipation of panic, starting to well up inside of me.  Being at work, I tried so hard not to allow my attack to show.  That would be so embarrassing and the people....what would they think or say?  They'd probably say, "Pull yourself together", say nothing at all, or call the people with the white coats to take me away.  Oh, if that had happened I think I would have wished to simply shrivel up and die

The New Colossus Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, With conquering limbs astride from land to land; Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame Is the imprisoning lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles.  From her beacon-hand Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame. "Keep, ancient lands, your stories pomp!" cries she With silent lips.  "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, the tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" ~Emma Lazarus circa 1883            How angry I am to hear that this once great nation, a nation founded on freedom from oppression, is no longer obtainable because a "Man in The High Castle" is feeding his power off of the fear from the American people.  Why are people,

                 It was Friday January 20th.  I was on my lunch break at work just casually scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and enjoying a nice sandwich.  I noticed a live feed of the Presidential Inauguration from Fox News.  Number 44 (President Obama) and Vice President Biden were walking towards the double doors to the West Front of the U.S. Capital building.  They were respectfully saluted by a couple of soldiers.  The doors opened and they proceeded to walk down the stairs to join the former living presidents and their spouses.  President Obama, being kind as he is, welcomed the new first family.  Then trumpets and drums sounded their fanfare for all to hear.  Someone very important is about to be introduced for the first time to the American people.  At those same double doors that President Obama and Vice President Biden exited, this tall man with a bronzed face, squinted eyes, and pursed lips was being escorted down the stairs to be sworn in as the 45th President

          A feeling of strong, unbreakable chains that seem impossible to break.  A heaviness on my shoulders that keep on weighing me down into this quick sand.  I'm stuck.  Oh, how difficult it is to pick up one leg and then the other.  I'm sinking further and further into the unknown....this black whole.  There is no light.....no illumination of hope.  Just darkness.       When I wake up it is still dark.  "Help!" I yell out.  "Is anyone here?"  But no response.  Not even one murmur.  As I stumble around to find my way through this blackness, I come across a wall and then another, and another.  The air here is so stagnant.  My chest is heavy and in pain from lack of breathing.  I am running, feeling my way around just to find each door blocked, unable to open it to the other side.  Each stair case never ends, but is spiraling and spiraling out of control.  Never ending.  My throat hurts from the poor air quality and the screaming to be heard that is

               This past week has been, let's just say, extremely intense.  The highest level of intense that would make anyone, especially a highly sensitive introvert, lose their mind in the height of a panic attack  and call her former boss to beg for her old job back.  This week was over flowing with crying, anger, lack of sleep, and very vivid nightmares.  The panic attacks were so paralyzing.  I couldn't breathe, everything was too close, I, mentally and physically, couldn't find an escape route out of this fearful place that I have found myself more times than I wanted.  The nightmares were basically the same thing, which was an abstract perception of feeling trapped.      As I had briefly mentioned in my 3rd post of the year, The Person The Left Behind , my mom bodily functions are progressively deteriorating due to her Multiple System Atrophy .  Along with my dad, we help take care of my mom giving her anything she needs all in the comfort of her own home.  On

        "Take the first step in faith.  You don't have to see the whole staircase.  Just the first step". ~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "Imagination is everything.  It's a preview of life's coming attractions".  ~Albert Einstein "If you can dream it, you can do it". ~Walt Disney      As I had stated in my second post of this year, "Not All Who Wander Are Lost?", being in a typical 9-5 lifestyle isn't living but merely existing.  The only positive benefits, I see, that I get out of it is a steady paycheck, health insurance, and 401K.  This equals stability, right?  It might make my life a little bit more stable currently, but is it fulfilling?  You know, that feeling of living without regrets.....that you have experienced and done everything you wanted to do in a lifetime.  I am predicting that if I stay on this "stable" path for the next 33 years (retirement age) with all the physically taxing jobs that go int

                  I think I was in my teens when one night something stirred me from my slumber.  A cyclone of words came flooding in my mind whirling around.  I know I couldn't fall back to sleep.  I needed to empty my brain of the slew of alliterations.  So, I got out of bed and reached for any piece of paper and writing utensil that was in sight and the words just spilled out onto the sheet.  This is what flowed out: The Ocean's Curse I lay awake, with the covers pulled up tight, As I listen to the tranquil modulations of night. The wind rushes over me ripping the sheets from my figure, Allowing its arms to embrace me with vigor. Taking me to the vengeful ocean's shore, The wind tells me of the sea's ever forgotten tales off yore. Many a day, mortal creatures become victims of this malevolent ocean, Smothering their bodies in slow motion. But, the cunning waters looked so harmless and welcoming, That I was lured into the tempting waters without

        It was author, J.R.R. Tolkien, that said, "Not all who wander are lost".  But AM I lost?  When you go out in the garden and observe the bees sucking the sweet nectar from the flowers they tend to flit from one blossom to the next.  Then there is that one bee that is so satisfied with just one blossom because it is simply full of the juice that it needs to be completely content.  I am not that one bee.  I am the individual that wants to see everything and wants to be everything and wants to experience all of life's riches in one short life.                           "Why don't you settle down and do something with your life"?  People will ask.  I know I should have been doing this in my teen years or my early 20's.  I'm going to be 34 next week and still have not found my one blossom in which will make me fully content with the life I choose.  I'm always on a mission to find something more.....there has to be something more