My Pursuit of Happiness

      Here it is, the 25th of December, where the hustle and bustle of making it home to be with loved ones can be chaotic.  But there are those that are home with loved ones, or should I say, the spirit of loved ones.     That is me.  I have is my dad and my dog.  But we make sure to keep my mother and grandparents in our hearts.     Even though the holidays is meant for family and friends, there is no need to give up the traditions handed down to you by your parents and grandparents.  So, this is how I celebrated:     I got up fully rested and went straight to the presents just like a kid, well, like on Christmas morning.  I played Santa and handed my dad his presents and my dog his gifts.  We immediately ripped the wrapping paper off with eyes full of vigor followed by some ummm’s and ohhhh’s and some squeals thrown in between.  I was instantly drawn to my Barnes and Noble Nook e-reader devise and instant...

      Suicide is a quickly growing cancer that is spreading through out the younger generations and some middle aged people.  When these individuals experience some signs of suicide they don’t know what it is or how to address it.  Some of them might think of it as a punishment and don’t want to burden their family.  For those out there, you are not alone and you’re not a burden.  Your family loves you.       I have experienced suicidal ideations in the past because of my bipolar depression.  And each time have ended up in the hospital on suicide watch.  I’d be fine one moment and then the next would be fantasize killing myself.  I also would cut myself because I felt no pain.  I never really wanted to die but would dream about it.  I always felt that it was a thought that wasn’t mine.  I did feel guilty of bringing my family in on it.  I did feel like I was being punished for it…the way my family react...

      As I wrote in my last post, agoraphobia is an extreme form of anxiety that keeps individual “locked up” in their homes making excuses not to join in on out door life, unable to go to the grocery store because of large crowds, the feeling of extreme nervousness like the feeling of having a heart attack and having an “asthma attack”.  That is what it feels like on an everyday basis.       I could give in and climb back into bed and wait for the phone to ring or the doorbell to ring.   1.  Or I can make a plan.  The Monday before Thanksgiving I got up early and went on a shopping excursion because I knew the day after Thanksgiving wasn’t the time.  I knew the early bird was on my side - A lot less people.  I made a map and what items to buy at what store.  I mean, this year I got Christmas done early.   2.  The next thing on my list was to choose what items to buy online.  You know that you definitely wo...

      Agoraphobia is a clinical term which means extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one’s home, or being in places from which escape is difficult.  I was diagnosed this last year.  At times I am fine.  But then there would be days where I’d fear going to do simple errands or fear that the danger would enter “my safe space”.  I fear having to be exposed to the same fear that I once had such as in a grocery store or in a school.  I despise crowded spaces and this is where I have the panic attacks.  Going into big cities is another place where I panic.       I begin trembling and then hyperventilating.  And when I know I will constantly have to be exposed to the environment, I refuse to eat.  I might eat breakfast.  But no to lunch and dinner.  I would wake up with sweat rolling down my face shaking unable to differentiate what is real and what isn’t.  I will be wrapp...

            I have spent the last twenty plus years ill and grieving from the losses of my grandparents and my mother the losses being triggers of what has developed as Bipolar disorder.  In been rapped up in toxic relationships and painful friendships.  But it took several psychological melt downs for me to realize that I don’t need any of that.  Be selfish for a change.  Live for yourself.  And you will be eternally grateful for that decision.       I have lost several friends in the last fourteen years due to my illness.  And have been caught up in relationships where all I wanted was to be their friend.  They got mad and threw me out.  Did you know I am a rapist?  I did not know it either until a former friend brought it to my attention.  Her boyfriend, at the time, his stepfather, who has bipolar, raped the boyfriend’s sister.  So, as you can see, the stigma is still there. ...

 Dear Diary,      It’s that time of year where you look back and reflect on the year’s experiences, or in my case, a life time of experiences.  I ask myself, “What would be beneficial for me mentally, emotionally, to keep or to give up”.  So I sit and contemplate over the people I’ve met and the things I’ve done and I’ve made up my mind who or what to let go.  I don’t want to say ‘give up’ because I’m not necessarily giving up on anyone.  We just need time apart and if we end up back together then it’s met to be by God’s will.       I had a friend that I met almost nineteen years ago.  She was different, strong and weak at the same time.  She wasn’t afraid of anything.  But she acted unstable.  It was like she would go walking on the edge of a bridge not scared of falling.  I found this exciting.  We became instant friends.  But, I ended up being her only friend.  She would get into these deep...

      As sunlight vanished into darkness, as the noise turned quiet, I longed to move as the world moves.  I bounced through the floors and walls of snow that were once hard and sturdy wood.  I so easily moved through the wood as it turned to crystalline flakes that sprinkled the ground with such softness.       As I flew out of the window, I was unable to land with both feet on the ground.  I just kept on floating through the air softly and thoroughly taming the under gods trying to gain domination.  Here I am swimming with such pride, tempting pride, twirling through the air in and out of the forever-multiplying snow flakes.       Down on Earth, there is a store front that once seemed dark and dreary.  Bullets flew out of the glass window pane like pellets hitting you with every pinch of the nervous system.  With a glance at the obliterated window, the sight went up in flames as the cold and icy atmosphere woul...

      This weekend was kind of “off” not knowing how to feel and what to do.  I just feel awful not wanting to get out of  bed and letting my personal hygiene go.  I know what depression feels like.  It feels like being stuck in quick sand not knowing how to get out of it.  But somehow you can make it out one step at a time.   1.  Do a simple chore such as washing the dishes or vacuum the rugs.  Doing this  can make you feel like you’ve contributed something to society.   2.  Take a shower.  Now, doesn’t that feel better?   3.  Don’t forget to eat and drink.  Fix yourself a cup of tea and stay hydrated.   4.  Do a mindless activity such as knitting or coloring.  Put on some smooth music and get to coloring.  It’s a slow activity but after a while you can see the results and you will feel a whole lot better.   If you have any questions/or want to talk on what I do to “contro...

      I stand before the cliff I jump beginning to make my last plans.  The pain is so great that no one can see or feel.  “Help me, kind sir!”  For I’m willing to take this illness public for someone to take notice.  I am not bluffing.  Down to the deep depths of depravity I fall.  Down to the dark abyss where no sunshine has ever dawned in a thousand years.  I’m still falling.  Standing in front of a jury that once were my peers.  I have sinned but not have been saved.     Falling into the deep bowels of Hell succumbed by evil.  The hissing, venomous, biting snakes swirling around the flaming inferno.  Here I am lost and lifeless.  Unable to start again.  My body sprawled out on a tree pinned three times two in the hands once in the feet.  My smile was forcibly spread wide pulling the skin from side to side.  Then I hung there.  Publicly hung there for the world and beyond to stare...

      For this, if you have bipolar disorder, you have to be extra careful that your steps heading to bedtime does not trigger an episode.  For example, try not to stare at your cellphone or computer or even your tv screen.  Do this an hour or two before getting ready for bed.  This is the time for you to wind down so you are rested enough for your rest.       Turn off or set aside any electric devises you have on hand.  At this time, you may want to fix yourself as cup of herbal tea.  I would recommend not having caffeine after 12pm.  Do a 10 minute meditation that corresponds to your breathing or muscle tension.       Then go to the kitchen and take your medication.  I also take hemp oil and melatonin gummies.  If you do this on a regular basis it really works and you feel refreshed.       Fix yourself a hot bath with lavender oil epsom salt and foaming bath.  Not only does this co...

      Veganism has been around for many years but people still go after meat and milk cows dry until they can’t be milked ever again so then they are euthanized.  Pets are sent to breeders and, if cute enough, are bred, sometimes inbred by a close family member and charged almost 1000 dollars per puppy.  This is what is called a puppy mill.  If a dog can’t be bred anymore they are sent to a kill shelter along with the dogs nobody wants.  Then there is trophy hunting where elephants are killed for their tusks and lions for their hides.  The world is falling apart because of our choice we take with everything we do with the first thing we do in the morning to the last thing we do at night.  Choose wisely.  Choose electric, or solar, instead of gas/oil, grow your food, recycle, use compostable items, etc.       News update: People, now a days, are being pushed into veganism because of the rising cost of meat and dairy product...

Dear Diary,           After trying to figure out what to write for this week’s blogpost, I came up with an idea that I would start a “Dear Diary” series.  So, here I go…In the fall of 2008 I was admitted into the hospital for the first time with, what the doctors’ called Schizo Affective Disorder.  Now, before that I had I had had some episodes, such as being afraid of people of authority always running away from them, thinking that they’re coming after me.  After that admission I ended up in another  hospital and was diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and was given Zoloft.  After taking it I became overly energetic, especially in the warmer weather.  I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t sit still.  The longest I went without sleep was four days.  I would go to my father complaining that I couldn’t sleep.  I don’t know what he would’ve done.  I guess I just wanted someone to sit with me until I did fall asleep...

      I know it can be very difficult to stay calm especially when you’re working long and hard hours at work.  You have to make enough money to pay the rent bill or the water bill…But it is very important to take care of your mental health, not just your physical health, but your whole well being.  Down below is list that I put together to help you to live slowly and to stay zen. 1.  To stay zen you must stick to a routine.  Don’t think of a routine as a chore.  Be present with every task.  If you’re washing up as the end of the day, take pleasure cleaning your teeth, moisturizing your skin.    If you’re taking a bath, use products that have lavender in it such as, epsom salt and/or bubble bath.  Sit in the warm aromatic concoction and be still.   2.  Meditate.  I meditate twice a day.  The morning meditation is focusing on breathing and focusing on being present.  The evening meditation is a guided me...

      The storm roared at the setting fire-red sky as the old man raced to find sanctuary.  Dripping wet, the old man took cover trying to start a fire to cause warmth for his icy bones.  Finally, heat has been created.  Pondering, what was the purpose of this storm for the old to blast off the young beauty?  Nobody knows.  The young beauty did die a beautiful death.  The black carnivorous went in to the kill making the sun setting beauty to disappear.  But even so…why murder such a young and innocent child who hasn’t made a mark on this world?       A roaring flash of lightening spread through out the sky lighting up the sky with burning fire.  The timpani sounded off dropping the thunderous bombs south on the ground like blitz ready to destroy everything and everyone in its path.  A bright flash and then a hard crash and ripped out the whole front yard only a couple feet away from the front door.     ...

      As you can see from the title, I need help.  It all started the day before school started.  I developed a fever of about 100.5 and my skin felt like it was going to fall off leaving my body raw and inflamed.  I went to an urgent care center where the doctors tested me for COVID, the flu, and a respiratory illness.  They all came back negative.  So, what is causing the fever and the aching skin?  There is only one other explanation: anxiety.  Yup!  In rare cases where anxiety can raise the body temperature.  But on top of all that, my digestive track was not good for over a week and I was not sleeping.  I’m still not sleeping.  I don’t know if my doctor can prescribe I sleep aide or something.       But anyway with all this anxiety and fear and feeling lethargic I needed to take a break from everything.   I withdrew from college life.  My mental health is more important.  My therapis...

      As school is approaching, I am feeling a little apprehensive.  A little?  Try a lot.  I haven’t been in school in over 17 years when I finished my first bachelor’s in music education.  Back then I wasn’t happy with the degree I received.  I had no choices and no interests.  I remember I had a conversation with my mom.  She kind of knew that I wasn’t happy.  This was in my sophomore year.  She mentioned about me changing majors.  I was like, to what?  At that point I had done music for over ten years.  For what interested me was  to get out of school safely and quickly.  The only experience I had, besides music competitions, was working in retail.  I wasn’t happy but it was something to fall back on.       Back in 2009, I did apply to a graduate program at a local university.  But at that time I was developing a sickness that eventually got me kicked out of school.  I ...